Monday, January 17, 2011

I know I had a kit kat around here somewhere...

So today is the day people. It's the beginning of the 12 week weight loss challenge! More than that though, it is the end. Today is the official end of your unhealthy binge eating. Put down the potato chips. Step away from the fast food window. For Christ's sake quit drinking all that soda, your guts are going to rot and fall out of your ass (you know those commercials about high fructose corn syrup being okay in moderation? Well, all that really means is that it’s not going to kill you immediately, it will however, make you incredibly fat).
Of course realistically you can eat whatever you want so long as you’re aware of your caloric intake so I’d recommend using a web site like (it’s what I’m using) to calculate how many calories your body burns in a day so that you can then figure out how many you should be consuming to lose weight. Get it? I also use the same site to keep track of all of my calories during the day, and it’s turning out to be surprisingly easier than trying to calculate weight watcher’s points for everything.
As I write this I’m sitting at my desk eating kale chips that I made last night. Yeah, that’s right, I said KALE CHIPS. You tear up a bunch of ultra healthy kale into bit sized pieces, toss them in a tablespoon of olive oil, sprinkle them with salt, and then bake for 20 minutes. What you get are basically super crispy green potato chips with the tendency to disintegrate when you touch them.

They’re actually pretty good, and they definitely cure that salty, crunchy craving. Just make sure you have a drink nearby when you’re eating them, as I nearly coughed myself into oblivion when I first tried them last night (breathe in too soon after putting one in your mouth and all that kale confetti makes a rush for your lungs in an obvious attempt at murder).

Maybe you’re worried about how much you’re going to have to change your eating and drinking habits to make any sort of progress with a diet, or maybe you’re like me and you’re really only worried about how much you’re going to have to change your drinking habits. Are three martini lunches a thing of the past? Am I no longer allowed to drink an entire pitcher of PBR by myself?

These things are cause for concern but of course there are ways to cope. As far as hard liquor goes your mixers are really what will do you in. Did you know that there are 110 calories in 1 cup of orange juice, and 140 calories in 12 oz. of soda. So, either man up and start drinking your booze straight up like a cowboy, or try something different. Vodka and lemon juice is pretty good (thank you Chelsea Handler for that idea) just make sure you’ve taken your heart burn pill. Then there’s the beer issue. If you’re anything like me you don’t like beer, you LOVE beer. My solution to the beer issue is to fill the beer drawer in my fridge with Mich Ultra and then just force myself to get used to it. At 95 calories per can you can’t really beat it, and so what if maybe it tastes like you’re sucking on a monkey’s ass, it fills your beer void without using up all your allowed calories for the next three days. Most light beers are reasonably low in calories, but this one is one of the lowest, and if it’s really cold the taste is completely acceptable.

In closing I can offer you this little bit of hope that the internets have given me: Believe it or not, true weight gain is a slow process. You need to eat an extra 3500 calories to gain one pound of body fat.

So good luck with the challenge, and let the smack talk begin.

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